MySmallLittleWorld

flashbacks , foods and showers

2011-05-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

for some weird reason, i will always have this little flashback ( about what i've done during the day, like in school ect ect ect) and i'll just scream/ go nuts or something and just start talking to myself. IS THIS NORMAL???
well, for me i think it is. it's like a daily basis thing! i don't know if any of you have had this experience before but yeah. i get this alot. During school i don't think at all and i just go " blah blah blah" and my friends would laugh or something and i'd get home either start eating or showering and i'll remember that scenario and just start going "GAH" and start banging my head on the wall.
people at home just look at me in a weird way and they'll be like " is this girl alright" or " does this girl have mental problems that need medical attention?" ( -deep sigh-)

maybe i should start acing ladylike and calm but when i am with my friends and i'm at school i just start blabbering and stuttering and doing totally random crap like that. being calm and ladylike leaves my mind completely, if i was ladylike i'd probably not go "GAH " all the time but oh well....i hope i can be more calm in the future....

swimming.

2011-03-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

hey guy...haven't blogged in a while...
anyways..thins s gonna be very depressing and all....so if youu have nothing t do....read away!
swimming classes in school. i hate it. i don't want to swim in front of everybody exposing more of my skin than i want to, well i wouldnt mind if i had my original swimsuit which covers my large thighs. but no, i dont have them and i have to wear this one piece that has a long v neck, exposing my back and my large thighs.

i am insecure. i am fat.
why do i think like this?
well, throughout my whole primary years, i've been teased. cruely teased. i was an innocent soul i was kind to everyone but ...... i was fat, a cry baby and i was stupid. (due to my laziness) i was the youngest girl in my year due to skipping two grades. i bitterly regret skipping them i was never mature enough to understand anything. at the age of six, i was in primary 2. and yes. im telling the truth.

when i tried on the swimsuit, i asked my dad if i looked fat, he said " you look normal" i said " but my thighs..." he said " put it this way, do you think your friends don't know your thighs are large?" that confirmed my worst fears. my thighs were large. when i asked my younger brother how i looked he simply laughed in my face, im not talking about a small chuckle here but a large booming laugh which lasted for a long time. i was really hurt and i felt really ugly and fat. my dad didn't help when he said " do you know why your mom's legs are so thin? because she runs! go running for an hour and you wont look so fat" it hurts me. it hurts me alot. i know they mean good but its not helping me. my mom said "if you dont want this swimsuit then just tell the teacher you have your period and you can't swim" i hate running, i sound spoilt but i do. i really do.

why can't my parents understand how i feel? don't they know a word called "tact"??? IVE TOLD THEM. i need a swimsuit. i told them a week in advance. why, why, why, why,why?!?!?!?!? why didn't they say "okay, we will go get a swimsuit tomorow" NO. they waited for a week till the last possibe day to buy my swimsuit and by then IT WAS TOO LATE. it was 8:07 pm. where the hell do you find a store open besides walmart that is open?

do you know how it feels to be so imperfect, so ugly, so twisted and bad inside till you start to think in a manner that you can't be anythin but perfect? in my heart, i have many scars and pains and i may sound selfish for saything this but it is true. i had to deal with much more than heartbreaks. oh, much more.

i just hate myself for being so weak, but i'll ask a question " who wouldnt want to feel beautiful after feeling like shit? who wouldn't want to believe they were beautiful?" my point exactly. and if you think " i dont want to feel beautiful" your lying. (unless ur a guy :3)

all im saying here is screw swimming. and if anyone is wondering " why did she take it in the first place?" honey, my answer is that i had no choice.

Happiness :D

2011-03-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

Happiness can be found in the weirdest of places and in the weirdest of forms. Love, friendship, Family :D
Well, in my first post i mentioned something about a boy. Am i right? :D well...from that day onwards...he kept on walking me to japanese class and coming to walk me to the school's entrance ( or as we call it : the bus circle) He was probably one of the first friends i made when i was new in school :) I also mentioned that i was ignored and well 'invisible' during school. Well, i made new friends and the only class that i am invisible in is Japanese class. Ironically it used to be my favorite subject :)

After each class i'd feel so...ignored and lonely. But then when he comes up and smiles at me, tells me jokes and walks me back i just feel so happy :) I didn't expect anything from moving to a new school. I just thought that no one would really care about someone like me...

My life isn't perfect like a peach pie with cream and cherry on top. I've been through alot and there are things i don't even wan to talk about anymore. I guess i'm the type of person that just likes keeping things to myself. I am a very selfish person, sometimes i can only think about myself and i dont think about other people's problems or needs.... I am a horrible person that way. I always think that i am the one who is imperfect and well...weird..i think i am a bad person....

Thats why..when people are kind to me or treat me well or [cough cough] like me....I don't know why....I really don't but it feels really good. It feels so nice to know that someone else likes you for you. Call it puppy love if you like but it feels damn real now. I don't know why when 'teens' like someone adults only say it's puppy love. Don't all crushes start out like that? :) i mean...just because we don't have as much experience as our elders doesnt mean that what we're feeling is fake love right? :D

anyways
BLOG LATER<3
baiii

haiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzzzz

2011-03-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

helloo guys, stalkers and lifeless people :DD
once in a while i will go on a rant...and today the LUCKY subject that i'll be ranting about is homework. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I always used to attend school in Asia (where the exams are hard but theres no homework) and im wayy too used to NOT having homework and only needing to study like the end of the world every day.HOMEWORK stops me from studying. it DRAINS my studying intentions T>T after homework it either ends with a "sigh" or a "GAHH" or a deep silence. It just irritates me.

i prefer studying, ITS EASIER. only having 15 pg exams at the end of the term....well...it's not exactly easy when you have 12 subjects to study for but that just emphasizes how much i hate homework. :)

Anyways, tomorow my drama class in school has to perform this really dumb and weird dance...TO A SONG CALLED : Coffee break. AND BELIEVE ME ITS SO WEIRD. the song goes like this:
THERES NO COFFEE!
NO COFFEE?!?! OHHHHHHH!!!
if i cant take my coffee break my coffee break my coffee break
if i cant take my coffee break something with in me dies!!!
kues down and something within me diesss!
if i cant make three daily trips
where shrining shrine
beginly drips
and taste cardboard between my lips
something within me dies!!! lies down and something within me dies
No coffee X8
that office light doesnt have to be flourescent
i'll get no pains in my head!
that office chair doesnt have to be foam rubber. so if i spread. so i spread
but only one chemical substance!! GETS OUT THE LEAD!!
like he said ==
(and repeat if i cant take my coffee break...ect)

im just worn out today...i 'couldnt' sleep yesterday and now im sleep deprived I GOT ONLY 4 HRS OF SLEEP!! GAHH
i need something sweet to give me energy

LIKE THESE PICTURES

GODDD THEY LOOK SO GOOD!!! ARE U GETTING HUNGRY?!?! U CANNOT NOT BE GETTING HUNGRY!!! EVEN I AM GETTING HUNGRY! and btw these pictures are from a shop named :Tabetai which means "i want to eat " in japanese it's store is located in NYC and if you are interested in their awesome looking cupcakes drop by or you can go to this website http://tabetainyc.com/our_cupcake_creations

BTW they make cake too!!

AHAHA it looks so good but i bet i won't even be able to finish a slice XDDD
bye for now <3

my sad love life

2011-03-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

YES i'm a hopeless romantic :D i believe in true love and happy endings. whoops--- my mistake. i USED to believe in them. But fate knocked some sense into me. When i reached 8th grade i had been rejected by every boy i liked. I won't lie. i was more of an ugly duckling than a swan. my self esteem really plummeted but then when a new guy transferred to my school he made me get my hopes high again, in just a short while we were a couple and the next day he broke up with me.

He was a bastard. he played around with me as if i was his toy. I wouldn't mind, i would let him toy around with me and whats worse is that i knew he was playing with me. i just felt so wound up in his lies that i actually believed we had something. After some time i found out that he was cheating on me with another girl. I didn't cry, i knew that somewhere in our relationship there was something wrong. it was too good to be true.

If you really know me you will know that i look before i leap. I don't like taking chances and even if im hurt inside i bottle it all up, and pretend that nothing happened....i'm the type of person that can tell what your thinking just by spending a day or two with you and reading your body language. I think im overly cautious :)

when i moved, i kinda shut down my emotions for a while and just told myself not to expect much. I felt like every girl except me was beautiful and i would never find anyone who would actually have [ahem] feelings for me or so i thought ^^
WELL... to all you stalkers who are reading this i just wanted to say that even though you have been through the worst relationships, someone's there for u ( WOW after typing that i felt like i was an old lady for a moment XD) and you'll find him when you least expect it ^^ SO DONT GIVE UP HOPE <3 i have a long line of tragedies and maybe i'll post one of them up someday....you'd be surprised xD
anyways...today im extremely lifeless and it's my third post today. I-NEED-TO-GET-A-LIFE. lolsss

anywaysss

BYE<3

absolute bordom

2011-03-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

hello people who are bored enough to read this :D

my life is pretty well...depressing. when i go home i study till three in the morning and sometimes when im studying or doing homework i start becoming a multi tasker and chat with a special someone on facebook :)
a random fact bout me is that i can olny eat a certian amount of food a day. i either eat breakfast, lunch or dinner every day :D i choose one. sooo if i eat breakfast i dont eat lunch or dinner and if i didnt eat lunch or breakfast i eat dinner. ahahaha. people tell me it's not healthy but....oh well. ^^

Today..i feel really full cuz my mom made me eat lunch and dinner X.X not good!!! i could barely eat it all T.T for lunch i had rice and for dinner i had two slices of pizza X.X ughh...

anyways i'm going to be blogging alot and mostly its going to be about random things :D
C U GUYS L8ter :)

oh yes. for music freaks listen to the reason by hoobastank
bye~

My Small Little World

2011-03-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

YES THIS IS THE ENTRY OF MY SMALL LITTLE WORLD<3 you're getting a small peek at it XDD

well. im still new to this blogging thingy so im sorry if I totally suck at it XD

SO ANYWAYYSSS
im starting this blog cause i just moved to an awesome place called California :D I moved and i didn't know anyone at all and well...you could have said i was a lonely person for quite some time :)

I felt so small and tiny, in my new high school and people around me totally ignored me or brushed be off most of the time ( which thus made me conclude that i was invisible :D) SO my first day was practically a big flop. :)

Things didn't get started till the next two days or so, i got into a conversation with my seatmate when we were walking into biology and somehow ended up talking to this guy. It's really funny how small things can make you so happy, after well a few days of being ignored and invisible it felt good to have someone to talk to ^^
after biology i packed up my stuffs and well went out of class but that boy came up to me and we somehow started chatting :) That was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done to me since i got to school :DD i'm soo grateful for that :)
<3